.....

hmm

Definitely at a low point in life.. 

well, if anyone cares

morgie:

i’m exhausted.
school just ate me alive. literally. my soul— gone. last friday i had an evolution exam. stoked because i got it back today, oh yeah, -A. nevertheless, i’ve literally moved into the library. friday, saturday (yes, i stayed in and studied until midnight and refused to talk to any of my friends), sunday (yes, i missed the superbowl), monday (yes, i took work off), tuesday, and all of last week and half of the week before has been spent at the library. why you ask? oh, well that would be because i had 3 EXAMS TODAY. ochem, pathology/microbiology, and physiology all decided to have an exam on THE SAME DAY. cool. let me give you just a little rundown of what i endured today. so last night, i get about 3 hours of sleep. wake up, do last minute studying for ochem. take exam. then run to the top of campus for my pathology exam. then run back down to the very bottom of campus for my physiology exam. i’ve received 2 parking tickets, and don’t forget to add in the fact that i LOCKED MY KEYS IN MY CAR. what a lovely day. oh, wait, i’m sleep deprived, i’ve given myself stress ulcers (it’s the only reasonable explanation. all of my insides have been ON FIRE all day long) AND, i’m at work. for 5 hours. christ almighty.

Im sorry.  :( Atleast its over now. Hope you got some sleep…

dumb

dumb da dumb dumb dumb dumb bitch

drama + lies = 2 things i fuckin hate

within the last 2 months, i think ive made some amazing new friendships and pretty sure some old ones have hit rock fuckin bottom. and ive tried extremely fuckin hard not to think about it, but its true. either ways this is my way of fuckin venting since i have noone to talk to bout it, and quite frankly im okay with that. is it weird??
i fuckin love my friends to death and i will go out of my way to help them out and be happy when they are happy. but it fuckin hurts when u know ure being blatantly used by someone. that is not a friend, and im cutting those ppl outta my life this instant. I hate who ive become. I hate that i do shit that i used to frown upon, and im quitting everything. I love salt lake city, i love my friends, but im only here for 10 more months, and it fuckin kills me. I dont wanna go back and live in delhi. I love my family to death but im independent now. i know i keep sayin random stuff but im sayin whatever comes to mind. meh. im done. dunno what to write anymore. mental block from being so fuckin pissed off right now. FUCK. why are ppl sooooooo FUCKED UP AND SELF OBSESSED.

ouch

k so i know i haven done this is fuckin forever but im bored right now and in insane amounts of pain. played soccer yesterday and after my back was kinda hurting. when i went out there to play today and kicked the ball, i pretty much fucked up my back so much that i couldn move. went to the hospital where i was made to wait for 4 hours to fuckin get into the emergency room coz there was nothing visibly wrong with me except my retarded pain stricken facial expressions. then it took another hour to get my prescription and i went to walgreens where it took me another fuckin hour to get my pain meds. turns out i have a retarded back spasm and my vertebrae are pinchin my fuckin nerves which is painful as fuck and gives me gnarly headaches and the worst part is i have a test at 6 tonight for which i haven even started studyin.. FUCK MY LIFE. FUCK FUCK GOD DAMNIT MY BACK IS KILLING MEEEEEEEEEEE AND THE PAIN MEDS ARENT WORKIN………

hola

im back

meh

its sunday. its easter. im pissed as fuck right now, as always. fuck my life. im gnna start studyin. i wish some people had some common decencies and brains, but apparently not so FUCK THEM. they will go to hell and unfortunately i will meet them there. fuck you. im done.

things are falling back into place

the last couple of weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. and i dont like roller coasters. especially emotional ones. however, today i had one of those epiphanies that u get when things start to get fucked up. what people gotta realize is that when ure friends do something that u dont necessarily agree with, youve gotta confront it in the right manner. i think it was yesterday when i said im gnna start to cut people out of my life, but is it really worth it? I graduate in 1 year. ONE FUCKING YEAR. and sure i made a lot of friends during elections and shit, but nothing compares to the bonds i made with people over the last year and a half. I dont care, but i will make sure it works out. not to sound like a hippy, but i just want everyone to be happy. and u know what people say thats my flaw. that i care to much about others feelings, but thats what makes me happy. to see your friends happy is the best feeling you can have. i dont want gratitude, i dont want appreciation, coz thats not what friendship is. its something that cant be defined. its like the first breath after a coma. ive been listening to that song all day, and LISTENING TO IT means like fuckin understanding what the notes in the music mean. no lyrics. just plain music. and i dunno how many of u will understand this the way i do but music speaks to me. its what gets me through life, and when i say friendship is like the first breath after a coma i mean it. Its the happiest moment of your life when u think to ureself and realize the special bonds u make. people start out as strangers, and when they get to know each other to the point that there understanding of each other is unconditional, when a normally inappropriate comment is the funniest thing u could have said and you both laugh and in that moment in that instant you share something. thats what true friendship is. and ive made that bond with a lot of you. i was with some of the most amazing people 10 minutes ago and they told me im extremely gracious, and that i will do anything for anybody. well were all on this earth to look after each other arent we. for christs sake think about it. were but a mere speck in this universe. the human race as long as it has survived is a mere fucking blink of an eye compared to time. the 6.7 billion people on this earth right now share LIFE. LIFE for crying out loud. material commodities will come and go. gold, diamonds, cars, computers, ipods and all that bullshit is a mere resource that we consider necessities. we fight and quarrel over the stupidest of things and we consider ourselves the rulers of this planet. fuck the human ego. we find it hard to work as a team. and then u look at little insects. thousands of them working together in such perfect harmony just to build a home. not even fuckin jimmy page could write notes as perfect as the synchronization with which so many entities in our world that we take for granted work.
I know i started this note talkin about friendships and such, and i went on to completely insane random facts, but i was trying to make a point. do not take anything for granted. life is too short to break relationships. you choose your friends for who they are. u share a bond, and that bond should never be broken. i once told seth to live with no regrets and i mean it. however, sometimes when i think about my past and some of the relationships ive lost i regret it. and thats why today all day i tried to contact each and every one of those people, and for the first time in anything from months to years (depending on who and when) i spoke to some of my older close friends. 8 people in one day who from now on i will talk to as much as i can. it is not in my nature to feel hate. its a strong word that gets thrown around way too easily i think, and i feel like if you dont approve of something, confront it or just leave it the fuck alone because feeling HATE is a decision you make on your own. it affects you and nobody else.

seth - ive said this before and ill say it again. dont fucking worry coz i will make sure everything works out. U made a decision and thats all that should count. ure happy and that should make ure friends happy. that is all i needed to hear from you to make a decision.

lauren - u did things that hurt my best friend which means they hurt me. but u accepted your mistake and thats a huge huge deal. i respect you for how u handled the situation after everything happened. i love you coz u make my best friend smile. hes all yours. take care of the bugger.

morgaine - i remember that day we partied at teds and met for the first time. twas snowing
outside, and you fell down and took that picture of me. i was thinking to myself wow, this girl is ridiculous. today i look back on that day and think to myself, thats the day i met morgaine abawi. the most amazing, honest, quirky, absolutely over the top beautiful and insane girl ever, who im so lucky to have in my life. I may leave utah in 14 months for good, but i will never forget you.

yara - what can i say. you are by far the smartest girl i have met in my life. i absolutely love the relationship we have. its crazy how i can talk to you about anything from fucking calculus to ashburton grove, and you will listen. your absolutely bloody brilliant, and i thank my stars i ever met you.

alex - from the hookah sessions in brian room, to the parties we always go to, to the simple sunny afternoons when we both chill outside on the benches and talk about absolutely anything. your one of the most fun loving people on the face of this earth, and thats ure charm. your honesty is ure personality. there may be times when people get pissed off but dont let that stop you. it is the best trait anybody can have, and i think your a gem of a person and a friend for actually doing that.

kate - ive known u barely a couple of months now, and i already love you. sometimes u remind me of one of my best friends back home and maybe thats why i knew from the day i met you that we were going to be great friends. ure always up to do absolutely anything no matter what the consequences, and that shows that nothing in life will ever stop you. people have trouble hopping over those barriers in their life, but ure already a fuckin expert like an olympic gold medalist at the 400m hurdles (as retarded as that may sound its a good thing).

rain - what can i say about you. I done believe in god, but someone special up there must be looking out for me to have brought u into my life. i really dont have any words to explain or express how much i love you. there are times when i feel lonesome being so far away from home, but then i realize, my family, my little sister is just 2 floors below me. i cant believe in a matter of months weve become such great friends. there are times when i think to myself that i dont want to leave utah because that would mean leaving you, but then i realize, that no matter what, i will never fucking ever ever ever leave you. no matter how many millions of miles away i might im always going to be keeping a look out for you.

i wrote to all of you because i know u will read this. for the ones that wont, i will tell them in person, but today i feel like the happiest person alive. im extremely lucky to be surrounded by so many people who i love, and who feel the same way about me.

take care everyone.
sleep well
me